Can you get tired of being resilient?

I recently had two encounters with people who reacted somewhat negatively to the word “resilience.”

South Africans are tired of being resilient

The first was the host of a business breakfast that was filled with many leaders from both the business community and opposition political parties. They were exploring the possibilities of coalition formations that could unseat the ruling party in South Africa in the 2024 elections. He said emphatically “South Africans are tired of being resilient!” I think he has a point. Resilience should not be a badge of honour for putting up with incompetence. Incompetent and corrupt leadership has led to the derailment of SA’s rail network that is a vital conduit for our commodity exports and the engine room of our economy. Incompetence and corruption has led to the unstable electricity supply that is the lifeblood of our economy. Our unemployment figures are at an all-time high. These and many other factors of poor leadership are testing the resilience of South Africans like never before.

I am ok, you’re ok

My second encounter was with an HR Executive. She picked up the book “Resilience” that I had with me in my collection of Xpand materials. She said, “I don’t like this word.” I asked her why she said that. She commented on a recent seminar that had been entitled “Grit” that had also put her off. She would have rather called the seminar: “I’m ok, you’re ok.” She explained that we should avoid words that could run the risk of making people feel like they just need to pull themselves together, get over it or pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Finding a way through the maze

These two encounters made me think more deeply about how people are coping with the stressors in their lives. I am a strong proponent of the simple, practical and world-class resilience training that Xpand has developed. I have seen hundreds of people helped to manage stress better and build the capacity to cope with the difficult things that life throws their way. From teachers – who have the 2^nd highest rate of burnout – to top executives in financial services, from pastors to highly strung tech developers, you name it there are many who have found the practical handles that Xpand’s systemic approach to resilience has offered them to find a way through the maze of stress, pressure, change, uncertainty and even fear and trauma.

Burnout coaching

I have had the privilege of doing a lot of 1-1 burnout coaching. It is most fulfilling to see another human being find freedom through processing the stress and pressure that is bringing them to the brink of despair and capitulation. And then to assist them find the next steps and the way forward to get through to the other side of it. Sometimes professional therapy is also needed. Sometimes a listening ear and a guiding hand is all that is needed. When an individual feels empowered to take control back of the things that are within their control it is a truly liberating experience. No-one should ever be told to just pull themselves together and put up with it. That is not a helpful response. And if that is the voice that plays in someone’s head when they hear the word “resilience” then we have work to do to unpack this word and understand the reactions that it can bring.

Keeping Hope Alive

The irony is that the host of the business talk, though he was tired of being resilient, he was engaging in two very constructive actions that are signs of his resilience. Firstly he was tackling the problem that was holding our country back head on – he was engaging in problem solving by considering future scenarios and beginning to plot possible ways to achieve the desired outcome. Secondly, he was keeping hope alive. As much as he was confronting the brutal facts, he was not losing faith that he could do something or mobilise groups of people to change the trajectory that those facts pointed towards. We call this realistic optimism. Problem solving and realistic optimism are two of the seven competencies of resilience.

The HR executive was also committed to the well-being of the staff in her organization. She wanted to help them to discover that they were ok or at least were going to be ok. And she wished to engage this in a way that gave people the freedom to be themselves, to be honest about where they were at and to find a way to cope with all that is going on. This is very much the approach we love to take at Xpand when we train or coach people in resilience. It also connects with the first competence of resilience viz. having a reconciled past and emotional stability.

Practical tips for the marathon of life

Life is a marathon not a sprint. We will get tired and weary. And we can even get tired of “being resilient.” But in the midst of the dips and the tiredness, we need to find a way to keep hope alive. Here are some practical tips to keep hope alive:

• Do a dream exercise: do a spider diagram of all the good things you could dare to dream about doing in the future.
• Practice gratitude: keep a gratitude journal this week where you make a list of all the things you are grateful for at the end of each day.
• Take pleasure in little, simple and beautiful things. Take a moment to pause and appreciate them.
• Play a sport with others or turn up the music and dance as if no-one is watching.

Though we can get tired of stressors that are caused by others – especially those that could have been avoided – we cannot afford to get tired of taking control of our lives and our emotional responses. We must keep hope alive in a realistic way to be able to complete the marathon of life.

Blog written by Gareth Stead.

For consultation or coaching on Resilience, or to be certified as a Resilience License Trainer, please contact our office at office@xpand-sa.com